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It belongs to me. God told me if I painted it enough, I could have it.

[georgia o'keeffe]

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Hey, you- yes you, you broad-backed boy, you steady and kind creature who married me in borrowed shoes- there's been a change of plans.

You and me, we've been working silently and steadily too long, waking up too early- yes, I see you when you think I'm asleep and you get up like an old man with an old back, then turn to kiss me like everything's fine. I was playing possum the whole time, but now I'm not.

Here's what we're going to do instead. Pay off the house with all that money we smiled and scraped for, pay off the whole damn thing and clear out, rent it to a traveling band of maniacs who need a roof and will at least take care of the garden, and then we're taking off. They can paint whatever they want on the walls as long as they don't kill the earthworms and stay out of the attic, those are my only two rules.

We're going to have a couple babies on the road, name 'em Hondo and Emmylou, you don't worry about it, I'll do all the work for the first part and by the time the second part comes around we'll love 'em so much we won't care about them swinging around our necks. They'll either be gentle like you or crazed like me, or maybe the other way around. Either way, we win, so let's roll the dice.

What are we hitting the road in? Anything. Take the Subaru, take the little Honda, or let's sell them both and get motorcycles. They'll look at me sideways when I'm nine months pregnant on a bike, but I've done my time, I paid my taxes and took care of my teeth, I went to college, twice, and if anyone has a problem they can drag me backwards off it.

Where's our first stop, you say? It doesn't matter. Have you not been listening to me?

I used to want to convince people that I was responsible, careful, smart. Useful. But in a week I'll be thirty-two and if they don't believe it by now they probably never will, and if it's not true, does that have to be a bad thing? My dog isn't useful, but she has more genuine delight in each of her days than some people have in a year, or a lifetime.

There have been so many things that have happened in both our lives that weren't part of the plan. Can we make this one of them? That's all I want for my birthday.

All I want is feeling alive. I don't mean skydiving, though I don't not mean skydiving, either. I mean when you happen to wake up earlier than usual and you're lying there in bed, sheets against your legs, eyes on the slowly lightening window, and you smell the air and hear the birds, and for a moment you're a child and waking up in a big white stucco house in the desert with a red roof, and for once you're really paying attention.

I've never known why that felt so different, so good. Maybe because you didn't wake up because you had to. You woke up because you were ready to. Because it was time.

All that to say- it's time, you big lug. Put down the paint can. We're done with these clowns. If I have to stare at these two slightly different shades of sage for another minute I'm going to run screaming down the street. Oh, jeez, the dog, she'll have to come with us too, so scratch the motorcycles. I'm on Craigslist right now looking for a pickup with a camper.

Look, this one says highly motivated seller. I like the sound of that.

Okay, okay, you need more details. I get it. First stop? Canada. I've never been.

Lock the door on your way out, or don't. Let the band of wandering maniacs decide which shade of sage looks best in the bathroom. I trust their judgement.

You just hop up here and scoot over next to me. Slide your arm back around my shoulders and don't worry about the dog, she's done this before, she knows the score. She's already asleep on the futon in the back. You just pick the tunes.

I'll drive.