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caddy smelled like trees.
[the sound and the fury]
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he knows where she is going.
he knows fiona loves the night.
[fiona loves the night]
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i drive outside the city limits and kill the engine. norah noses my palm. she likes it when we drive at night. she also likes folk music. we are two lucky girls.
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we wait for the interior lights to fade out, and then wait just a moment longer. when everything is black, i open the door for her to leap out, then i follow. the car door shuts behind us.
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everything so dark, still. i see the outline of the pine forest all around us, black against grey. the stars somber, unmoving, the moon luminous behind a cloud. all the sudden the wind whips up, roars through the trees, startling norah and lifting the hair off my neck and back. i feel the dip of fear in my stomach that always comes at some point in the night when i'm outside. the anything-might-happen feeling. i may be four and a half minutes from civilization, but my gut doesn't know that. when i'm out here, i'm not even sure that i do either.
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it's been three weeks since i've been backpacking, but all i have to do is step out here and i'm back in the dark, the alone, the Godland. it's just the smell, the way it makes my skin feel, the heightened awareness i have. i crave it, but not like a drug. i just need it the way i need to belong somewhere, the way i need to know that i exist, that not all things were made by people who look like me.
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norah starts exploring, nosing the ground, and i call her back. the wind finally breaks my body's warmth barrier and chills explode up my back and down my arms. i open the car door and she jumps back in, after dancing around reluctantly. i get in next, telling myself how great it is that when i get cold i can just go sleep in my bed. i close the door and the wind noise drops instantly.
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but the night follows me. she knows i can't stay away, that she owns me by right, so she waits for us. i like that we have an understanding. it makes me feel better about the whole sleeping inside thing.
