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there is less in this than meets the eye.
[tallulah bankhead]
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a guy told me maybe a week or two ago that i was gorgeous.
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we were at safeway picking up milk duds. he's a good guy, a good friend, and he mentioned it offhand while he was scanning the arizona iced tea. i remembered it today. it popped into my head while i was looking up frownies on the internet. it's this product that reduces wrinkles.
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i was shocked when i remembered him saying this. because it seems like the kind of thing that i should have dwelled on, should have gone awww in my heart, should have smiled about later in the day while i was walking my dog or checking my bank balance online.
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i didn't. i didn't because i almost completely forgot about it after it happened. not because i get that a lot, but because i so thoroughly didn't believe him.
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i so thoroughly did not believe him that i'd disregarded what he was saying before he'd even finished saying it. I so thoroughly did not believe him that i didn't even realize that i thoroughly did not believe him.
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i don't think i even registered his comment enough to thank him. in fact, i'm pretty sure i responded by asking him if we could pick up some spackle before he dropped me off. i wish i was kidding.
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and it's only now, while i'm online looking at anti-aging products, that i'm digesting what he said. why did it take this long? and why am i looking at frownies? i mean, come on. i'm twenty-one.
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i want to know who told me to shut down when someone called me worthy. probably the same person who insinuated that i was showing signs of premature aging. when was the last time i took for granted that i was beautiful, good? when i was sixteen? twelve? six?
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nothing comes back. i remember the to-do lists that altered with the season and whatever grade i was in, longer hair, a deeper tan, growing shorter, etc. etc. i have no memory of the feeling that i was designed by a professional. if i ever did have it, it was before i was old enough to remember things. what does that mean?
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there are no words. it's too disturbing. my friends and family love to love me. for whatever reason, the other voices in there somehow ended up being louder. i don't even know where they came from. i don't even remember hearing them, and yet, here we are. me and my aptly-named frownies.
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i think we've all been lied to. i think we've been deceived to the point that we can't recognize ourselves. my friend with the iced tea is the first honest voice i've heard in a while. i can't make up for my week and a half ago wall, but i'm hearing it now.
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it's going to take a while for it to sink in, for us to be reintroduced. but in the meantime, i have my milk duds.
