i was at a coffee shop in eugene, laptop on, absentmindedly listening to music and wondering where to go next, when this song came on.
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they can tie me up, they can call me a clown
but i ain't gonna lose you
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i'd heard it before but never thought much about it. i can't stand the thought of another man, the guy murmured into my earbuds. i ain't gonna lose you.
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it made me cry. that day it was the kind of truth i'm scared of, the kind that tells you there's more than you're settling for. the kind that asks you to just walk away.
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i feel so unreal sometimes, like i'm a substitute for someone else. like the people in my life use me as a stand-in for a person they used to know, a person they lost, a person they hope to someday meet. a sure thing to fall back on. a meantime thing.
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i'll sing it from my roof top
i'll sing it from the bus stop
i'll sing it on the street drunk to a cop
but i ain't gonna lose you.
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the pit of my stomach reminds me of the feeling, that i'm last on the list, that i'm not in the photos. it's like being packing bubbles for someone else's life, cushioning the things that really matter, keeping them from breaking, but when the package arrives it's the first thing in the trash. a lot of the time, i feel like filler.
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throw me in the hurricane
tell the whole world i've gone insane
run an electric shock in my brain
but i ain't gonna lose you
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but this guy wrote this song, and i remember it because it's so rare to love someone for their worth, not for how good they make you look. i want to love worth like that. i want to remember i'm worth that.