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Find something you love and do it til you're gone.

[jason isbell]

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The weather is warming. And this makes me bold. For the first time in a dillion years, I know exactly what I want. I want to not be busy. I want to let calls go unanswered and read books that I like and sit outside on the porch for an hour before taking my dog on a walk, her leaping off the deck like Venus springing from the waves.

I want to have time to give long hugs, the kind of hugs that people try to break out of once or twice before they realize you're seriously not going to let them go, maybe because you love them, maybe because after the first five seconds you kind of started using them to prop you up. Maybe both.

I want to use my body first and let my mind kind of take a backseat. I want to go on long walks and lift things and dance and swim, and let my head settle, let the questions shrug at each other instead of always competing for attention, barking for an answer. I don't have an answer, I will tell them, sweetly, and they will say, Okay. How about some sweet tea?

I want to swim again, in a body of water outside. For some reason that seems like such a luxury, like such a little-kid or high-school-girl-on-summer-vacation thing to do, but I realized today I haven't bought a swimsuit in years and that just won't do. I want to wriggle into a slightly cold, damp two-piece in questionable taste and dash outside, feel the sun on that spot between my shoulder blades, remember that distinctly delicious sensation of having water move over every single part of your body. I want tan lines on my butt and callouses on my feet. I want to lose at least two pairs of sunglasses to water-related mishaps. What insanity.

I want to smell that wet earth dirt scent again, the kind that rises with heat, the kind that stains your fingers and feet. It's like there's my adult self, who spends all this time thinking about luncheons and parties and designing invitations and email campaigns and building sustainability, and my kid self is all Whatever! Come out here! I just saw a huuuuge bug!

I've been trying so hard to be an adult for a while, but I smell summer coming, and that season will always belong to the girl inside me. I want to give it back to her. I want to sleep nine hours a night, warm all over, wake up slightly sweaty with the light coming in. I want to say, Whatever. It will get done when it gets done. I don't want to spend another moment thinking about the next five months, or squinting at my forearms wondering if they're too fat, or going round after round with my head over what I want to do with my life and whether I'm good enough to live it.

I want to go on hikes, play with my dog, skin my knees diving for the tennis ball. I want to take another pottery class. I want to go to national parks, and start eating lunch outside, on the lawn, and smirk at the slightly sunburnt bridge of my nose in the mirror. I'm going outside to see the huge bug. You should come, too, if your mom's okay with that.